


Falling Through The Cracks

by geckoholic



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-05-09
Updated: 2010-05-09
Packaged: 2017-10-17 15:23:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/178257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/geckoholic/pseuds/geckoholic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><em>There was always something missing.</em> - Set, uh, 5.17-ish? Dean's POV and some kind of counterpart to <a href="http://justxusxtwo.livejournal.com/13085.html">the last ficlet</a>, I guess.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Falling Through The Cracks

**Author's Note:**

> Coaxed into life by kelzies and beta'd, by the wonderful prettify. Thanks, honey! ♥ All remaining mistakes are mine.
> 
> Title is from "Only" by Ra.

Mom, all along, of course. Then Sam, then Dad. And somehow, Sam again, despite Dean being with him almost 24/7. Well, except for the times when the stupid kid was with Ruby, which was kind of the point.

No. Even when he thought about it hard, Dean could hardly recall the last time there wasn't something missing in his life. If anything, the things that were missing had piled up over time.

Normality, although he'd rather choke than admit that to Sam, at any given point. Fitting in somewhere other than his own family had always been a talent he'd envied his brother. Sam could hide that he was raised a freak; Dean couldn't.

Love, in one form or another. Being loved, more precisely. Also something he'd never admit to, that one.

Same with safety. That was for children, anyway, wasn't it? Thing was, he'd already been missing it back then, too.

He was pretty sure being sober also belonged on that list, but whenever he was, he missed the numbness a certain level of alcohol in his blood provided, so.

The last few months, control over his own life ranked pretty much top of the list. Not feeling like a puppet on a string for a change. Then again, choice or no choice, free will or none, he'd suffer all the same. They both would. It wasn't that he had any illusions about that left.

The one thing he found to be utterly unfair was that even though the missing things had gotten more abstract as time went by, had to be described with more and more words, the basic cravings didn't go away either.

Family. Peace. Belonging. The lack of pain. Oh yeah, missing how the latter felt had been crucial for a longer time than he wanted to think about. Sometimes he wasn't sure if the pain was really gone altogether; he'd been hurting for so long that part of it always lingered. Strangely enough, that offered some kind of comfort. At the very least, it was familiar while everything else around him kept changing, his whole world turning upside down repeatedly so fast he was getting dizzy with it. It was a constant, like _Sam loved Dean and Dean loved Sam_ had used to be. Nowadays, even that ceased to be true. Not the way it always had been.

Or hope. Yeah, he thought, having hope would've made all this a whole lot easier to see through.

In the end, none of it really mattered any more. He'd long gotten past the point of believing that he'd ever get to have anything he so desperately missed. Or get to keep what little he got, in the long run.

He would die. Sam would die. If their recent family history proved anything, it was that there is no such thing as a Happy Ending if you're a Winchester.

All he still had a say in was whether a few more or a few less people had to bite the dust alongside them. And if he had to give up and give in to make the second option happen? So be it. 


End file.
